Confusion is between pain and dream ( Selected Writers )

After my winter solstice of 2011 – 2010, my mother left without consulting . ah, I was hurt, mentally retarded and foolish. Mother left without being ready, and I was not ready to see her off. Life is like a cloud, and when the wind blows, it floats away without a trace. Even if it lands in other clouds, it is confusing.. I didn’t try my best to retain her, didn’t take care of her with all my heart, she was a mother and gave birth to my closest relative.! I feel guilty and guilty, so that I will shiver when I think of it in the future … Ah, the days after my mother left, I felt like I had lost my soul and had no heart or lungs.. Afraid, cold, gloomy, walking dead and alive. I managed to dispose of my mother’s belongings quickly. I sent some of those clothes to my neighbors and some to distant temples and made donations.. And those shoes, hats and ornaments all found proper knocks for the mother. In doing so, on the one hand, it has diverted my pain from seeing things and thinking about people. On the one hand, let mother’s warmth be shared with specific individuals. If she has spirit in heaven, she will surely feel gratified by such giving.   A few years ago, I once thought about how to be perfect, where to start and in what way to end my mother’s centennial death.. Hope trance, not so specific. More than once in my heart, I imagined the scene when she left and wondered about the wonderful part of the eulogy. It was so exciting and thrilling that my heart was broken.!   I thought my mother would still live, at least 80 years old. But the mother had no confidence and no ability to live. I was still imagining, blessing her, hoping for her and supporting her with my own will. So, everything is still in the imagination, mother died, really let a person unprepared. Mother was not so trance when she left, although she was happier than the average person.. So, when reality was in front of me, I was speechless and couldn’t recite a single eulogy. Feeling impermanent, powerless, helpless and helpless. Before and after the mother’s death, a noisy funeral sent her up the hill.. A pile of loess and a pile of paper and ash buried mother’s innocence and diligence for the rest of her life.   After several days, she was still dizzy and confused, thinking that her mother was still alive because she often met each other in her dreams..   Until the Spring Festival in 2011, happy people, fiery firecrackers and gorgeous fireworks reminded me that my old age was over. I just pulled myself together a little and knew that I was still alive and had to live with everyone else..   Just, now live, is already an orphan. No one nagged, no one earnestly expected, no dry and uncontrollable tears, which can remind me of a lot and a lot of things.   The Buddhist scriptures I have read for several years, exhortation to the world, alert to life and revelation of the universe have played a great role when I am at a loss.   Pain in confusion, injury in confusion, life is like a dream.   In the spring of 2011, when the flowers bloom, I have already stayed on the’ Yibin Writer’ website, rested and licked the wounds.. After that, I wandered around the websites of’ Red Sleeve’,’ Banyan Tree’,’ Chinese Internet Poetry’,’ Golden Thread Ridge’,’ Sichuan Writer’ and so on, and passed the time with code words.. Words are attractive. It is always hard to drive them out or string them into chapters according to one’s wishes. I seem to be reviewing my lessons and getting warm and affectionate with the long-lost words.. With this step in, the rational life previously used to resist pain was disturbed and became sensitive and fragile again.. It seems that the world of mortals is showing off more, confusing more, moving more and changing scenery … Ah, I’m back to the dream season, greedy for love, persistent and flowing. To be good is also to love beauty. Originally, I also had a heart of posthumous action, returning to the starting point from the end point. The moon or the moon, the star or the star. I still have a long journey to wander. I have lost my life and wasted my time.. I will continue to wander, one journey after another. Will things be all right? Who knows.   In the spring of 2011, I participated in two activities related to literature. For the first time, I went to a farmhouse in Gongxian County and enjoyed eating Chinese food. I met some friends who had heard a lot of names but had never met before.. I also went to the camellia mountain to admire the camellia carefully, took photos with the camellia, wandered around in the sun, strolling on the stone steps, confused in the vast sea of flowers, and didn’t want to go home. The second time, in a wooden house by the county seat of Changning, the event ” Indulge in Bamboo Sea – Preserve Health and Changning” was held during the Guyu Festival.. Encountered the spring breeze blowing by the river and smelled the fragrance of the cabin. Also, many lifelike portraits of ebony sculptures, the solemn and respectful of the western three saints, the solemn of the canopy and lotus terrace. Also, I watched some painter splash ink on the spot, some calligraphy lovers play on the spot, and a news writer catch it in time … Ah, music is moving, programs are going on, human feelings are warm, and warm sunshine is maintained until dusk.  In 2011, inspired by some poets and some poems, I learned to write poems, exaggerate emotions, exaggerate atmosphere and feel good about myself.. Hit ratio is not high, but very passionate, almost learned to write poetry.   In 2011, my collection of essays was rated as one of the best local literature books in 2010 by the municipal propaganda department in the regulations of returning to their homeland. I still remember the earnest teachings and sincere encouragement of a leader when he met me.. This year, I also won the ” Xie Jin Literature and Art Award” and ” Yang Hansheng Literature and Art Award”. I have a small harvest and I like to work diligently.. Immersed in the small people’s self-entertainment and self – entertainment, it is difficult to get into the hall of elegance.   In 2011, I had unprecedented expectations in the depths of my soul and luxury in the world of thought.. Reversing pain and turning sorrow into strength. Warm yourself with words and face the society with the spirit of Ah Q.. I swam, struggled, fluctuated, bleached many wounds and pains, and floated many hopes and dreams in my destiny.. I am confused between pain and dream, burning limited life passionately, and naively expanding dream world. In 2011, I finally got involved in life by laughing and laughing, challenging the past with an almost crazy mind.   Half awake and half drunk. The floating life will prolong the years, and the true feelings will bet on tomorrow.   My 2011.   ( 1847 words ) )